Intro to Turbo Granny
It’s late and you’re driving home alone. You’ve haven’t seen another car for ages, so you speed up a little. You’re exhausted and can’t wait to get back to a warm bed, a glass of wine, and your cat, Tama. So you’re zipping along, when you enter a tunnel. This is a long one. The sodium-vapor lights give everything a nice yellow haunting tinge. Still no cars. You press your foot on the accelerator, glance at your speedometer. It says you’re doing 140 kilometers an hour. You happen to be a math genius and know that is exactly 86.99 miles per hour. Fast, but, hey, no cars. It’s late. And Tama’s waiting. So here you are clipping along at a good pace when you hear something.
Kon. Kon. Kon.
(knock knock knock)
Someone is knocking on the backseat window. It sounds like from outside. You do a quick turn around and ….
Intro to Podcast
Hey hey, this is Thersa Matsuura and you’re listening to Uncanny Japan. The podcast about all the delightfully weird and more obscure nooks and crannies of Japanese culture. I hope you’re safe and well. And if you need it, I’m sending you a big Uncanny hug — not uncanny like it’s creepy or has extra limbs or something. Just uncanny as in the name of the show. It’s still a normal hug, but, you know, with a vibe. Today I’m going to tell you about the urban legend of Turbo Granny and some offshoots and related unsettling and maybe unintentionally funny creatures you’ll find in the wilds of Japan.
The Real Meaning of Ta-bo- Baba-
Where were we? Oh, yes. Kon kon kon. You do a quick look over your shoulder and see out the back window an old woman with a wrinkled face and long white hair. She’s looking right at you. But what is really disturbing is that she’s also running alongside your car. She’s not on a motorbike or anything like that. She’s really running. This, I hate to inform you, is taabo babaa, in English, Turbo Granny.
Right off the bat, remember last episode (160) where I tried to swoon you into falling in love with the Japanese language by telling you about water pigs and ocean rats? Well, I’m going to reverse all that right now in one fell swoop with one of the most difficult (to me) and potentially dangerous parts of Japanese. I’ve gotten into trouble with this one.
The word obaasan means grandmother. Obaachan is just a more familiar, cute way to say it. That’s easy. Baaba is even more familiar. It’s like your kid talking about or to their own grandmother. Affectionate, warm, endearing. Baaba, can I have some ice cream?
Everything is fine and dandy until I tell you about the word babaa. This pronunciation is extremely rude and disrespectful and derogatory. It’s like saying old hag or old bat. Babaa, aisu choudai. Hey you old bat, give me some ice cream. Baaba. good. Babaa bad. It works for Ojiichan (grandpa), too. Jiiji good. Jijii bad.
This is why it’s important to use and pay attention to those elongated vowels in Japanese. Both can be written ba ba. But get your pronunciation off, and you’re calling that sweet little lady giving you an extra bowl of rice at the restaurant a nasty old hag.
Oh, speaking of long vowels, obaachan is grandmother and obachan is aunt or auntie. Japanese like to use both to address someone they don’t know. It’s friendly and better than Hey you. Same for grandfather and uncle. Ojiisan and ojisan. These can be tricky too, though. A funny story; my father-in-law in his late seventies at the time, mind you, was fishing one day and met another fisherman and they got to be friendly with each other. Only, this younger fisherman kept calling my father-in-law —who I’ll reiterate was almost 80 — ojiisan, grandfather. To which my father in law was greatly offended. Every day he’d come home all stressed out about it. Why doesn’t he call me uncle? So always err on the side of making someone younger.
All that to say, in English Tabō babā is usually the rougher, version. But it’s translated as Turbo granny. I mean that really does sound cuter. But the real nuance is Turbo old hag.
What Does Turbo Granny do?
Anyway, so you’ve got this old woman running alongside your car. What happens next? Well, kind of nothing. She’s just there, running beside you and keeping up. Even though she’s called a babaa, she just looks like any old regular granny, no glint in her eyes, no mouth sneering ear to ear. Just a fast-moving elder. Hoofing it at an incredible pace. When you speed up, she speeds up. When you slow down, she slows down.
So this might make you think, that if you stopped, she’d stop. Which takes you to the thought, since she just looks like anyone’s grandmother, maybe ALL old women in Japan are actually Turbo Grannies and we just don’t know about it unless they’re in that mode. There’s a thought!
In the Manga Dandadan
You might have heard of Turbo Granny before because she’s also the name of a character in the manga and anime, Dandadan. I don’t want to give anything away there, but she is first discovered in a tunnel. But the lore here in this story is that you shouldn’t run from her because she WILL catch you and she will curse you. That’s the manga anime version.
Origins in Hyogo Prefecture and Other Names
In the urban legend it sounds like she’s mostly found in the tunnels and forests of Hyogo Prefecture and there are stories from if she catches you she’ll do nothing, to if she catches you she’ll kill you, to if she passes you, you’ll get into an accident. I read in one place that she actually has a piece of paper stuck to her back that reads, Turbo! So you see it as she runs past your car. Like self promotion.
Turbo granny goes by a couple other names. Jetto Babaa (Jet Granny) and HyakuKilo babaa (One hundred kilometers granny), indicating her speed.
Turbo Granny Sighting
There’s a funny video out there of the Kansai comedian, Mitsukuni Daiso, who went on location to Mount Rokko in Hyogo to film some special or something. While they’re recording on the bus, something suddenly zipped by the window outside at an inhuman speed. He’s all what’s that? Then there was a loud bang as something hits the bus. He and his crew freak out and they stop and get out. There on the front of the bus is a muddy looking handprint. Lots of bad acting here where they’re all surprised and scared: what does it mean? Who did this? Daiso announces, it must be Tabo obaachan.
Then he goes and touches and licks the muddy handprint. He says, Doro sauce. Yes, it was Turbo Granny. Doro sauce or mud sauce is a real condiment. It’s what is left at the bottom of a barrel of Worcestershire sauce. It’s very thick, dark brown and spicy. And delicious. I don’t know what it has to do with Turbo Granny. I’m sure something. Or maybe they were just trying to start some new urban legend lore. It is funny.
Hyper Grandpa and Basket Ball Granny
So you’ve got your Turbo Granny and then there’s your Hyper Grandpa. Or Haipaa Jijii. Not as much about him. Anyway, here, let’s end with a handful of silly or horrifying variants to the Turbo hag legend. There’s one called Basuke Obaachan, basketball granny. This one uses the kinder form of old woman, by the way. This sprightly little old lady likes to run up beside motorcyclists while she’s — get this — bouncing a basketball.
Of course the rider is going to look over. They see the granny dribbling the ball full tilt and what does she do? She passes the ball. What would you do? If you catch it, like your reflexes probably want you to do, you take both hands of the handlebars, swerve, and crash. If you don’t go to catch it, doesn’t matter. She still just nailed you with a basketball which will unbalance you and you’ll crash. I’d like to add my own piece to this urban legend, to kind of round it out, if anyone is listening out there. I think it would be great if the only way to escape Basketball Granny is to shout at her Shoot! She turns, throws the ball like she’s making a basket, and you high tail it out of there. Safe!
Mikan Granny
Another similar urban myth is Mikan babaa. Mikan are mandarin oranges or mikan. So you run across her sitting on a mat in the middle of a forest. She’s got some baskets full of mikan, and all around her are some sickles just laying there. Very Chekov’s gun like. That should be your first clue to get the hell out of there. But if you don’t leave and do approach her, just make sure you don’t make eye contact because if you do, she will suddenly leap to her feet and book after you at unimaginable speeds. All the while she’s throwing mikan oranges at you. I know, what happened to the sickles? Lost opportunity there.
Pogo Stick Granny
There’s also Hoppingu Obaachan. A hoppingu is a pogo stick. Does anyone know what a pogo stick is? Am I that old? So pogostick granny. You’re driving along minding your own business when an old woman on a pogo stick lands right in front of your car. But an instant later, before you can slam on your brakes, she hops up and over your car. Gone! If you’re not careful. You can crash.
Car Hood Granny
And let’s not forget bonnetto babaa. A bonnet is the hood of your car, right? So this time you’re on the highway trucking along and an old grandmother from out of nowhere leaps onto the hood of your car and just latches on. Don’t be startled, you’ll get into an accident – which seems to be the theme here. It’s recommended you drive for seven kilometers like that. Then you’ll be okay. No word on if she climbs off or disappears. I guess you’ll have to find out.
Okay, that’s all for today. One thing though before I go, I’d like to give a shout out to all the wonderful podcasts who have interviewed me in the past six months or so. There’s the interview with me, but really every single show and all their episodes are first rate with all kinds of great topics and guests. I’m really happy I was turned on to them. So do consider giving them a listen if you don’t already.
In no particular order, there’s Monster Dear Monster, Loremen, Unspookable, Some Other Sphere, New Book Network, Haunted History, Japan Station, Fabulous Folklore, Tales from the Enchanted Forest, This is Horror and Mission Spooky! Thank you all so much for having me on and talking with me. And it was in Mission Spooky’s interview that just went out, that the subject of Turbo Granny came up and I was inspired to finish this episode. So this Turbo Granny is for you Mission Spooky.
Check all the shows out, and thank you for listening, and I’ll talk to you again in two weeks.
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